Rise Up
Many people who know me will be aware that this past year has been the most horrendous and how hard it has been to wake up each day feeling positive and with a smile on my face. I thought long and hard about writing this but I know just how therapeutic and powerful writing can be and it is an excellent way of getting your thoughts and feelings out there as well as dispersing lots of negativity that is trapped in our minds.
About four months after the Manchester Arena attack happened, I had an altercation with someone who sometimes stays at the house of a neighbour.
I had returned from a much-needed and lovely day out with a friend (who was also suffering a recent bereavement.) My daughter and her friend were also in the car with us. I won't go into details as its not important but from asking a simple, polite question to the owner of the house next-door, about how difficult it was to get my car into the drive (because of the sheer volume of cars and vans parked in their drive.)
I was then verbally and physically attacked by her boyfriend. (why he thought it was his business, I have no idea, as I didn't address my question to him, and it's not his house anyway.) At 6ft plus, he towered above me, and as he screamed at me and pushed, poked and prodded my right arm as he shouted at me, I felt extreme panic and fear but was too terrified to move from the spot. It seemed that time stood still as he carried on his barrage of abuse. I remember timidly asking him not to shout at me and push me in that way. I looked at my neighbour, silently begging her to step in and fight my corner in some small way, but she just stared through me. Then, feeling completely broken, I stated that I could not take any more anxiety in my life. To my utter shock, he then started to belittle my grief, shouting at me and saying things like "Oh, you're not still going on about that! Get over it! You would think you were the only person in the world who has lost someone!" He then preceded to list aunties, and past relatives he had lost. At this point I was in floods of tears, and so was my daughter who had witnessed his disgusting behaviour from the car. I broke down and cried and my friend jumped out of the car and put her arms around me and comforted me, as she led me back to the car. I somehow managed to drive it near my house before parking it.
To that person, I wish to say that yes, I have lost several people in my life, prior to this event, including my father who died in front of me and the pain of losing them was enormous yet did not impact my life the way the Manchester attack has done.
A year on, after counselling and trying to make sense of it, I know I still suffer terribly with anxiety, I miss M every day and his hilarious sense of humour and joie de vivre. I have flashbacks to that night, and I know that (along with countless others) I am suffering from PTSD. I also struggle with seeing both my children hurting and the effect it has had on friends and families of all affected by this tragedy. I haven't even dealt with the fact that my son was there! This person should have been aware of all this, as I know that someone he is close to, still suffers from the pain of losing a loved one, years ago in a tragic event, so what a completely cruel and heartless thing to say to me just FOUR months after, let alone ever! The police told me I could have had him arrested but it was enough for me to get it on file. I didn't want the hassle of my friend or daughter being questioned, when they were in no fit state.
Final point, people who act like him, should realise the consequence of their actions. Every thing has a cause and effect and what he did to me, set me back even further. He will never understand how much he hurt me that day, or know what pain I was, (and still am) going through. I could never have acted towards anyone that way. So if you ever find yourself in a similar situation and are the victim of someone else's bitterness or small-mindedness, just tell yourself, it could be worse - you could be them!
